My reading life as rom com, Part 2!
Welcome to the sequel of last week’s letter, where—you guessed it!—Kaia’s reading world gets turned upside down once again. Will it ever right itself? Read on, dear reader.
This past autumn, I had fallen in love with reading again after a years-long slump. Beautiful sentences could make me cry again! A character would hang around in my imagination even when the book was closed. I was excited to get into my nightly bath and read until my eyes drooped.
Then my baby joined me on this world, and I entered the liminal, difficult, searingly beautiful, gory, strange, haunting, and poetic time that comes after giving birth. (So many adjectives, I know, but becoming a mother has made me brazen with my words, and with so much else.) At first, there was just survival. And love. And then, as those first few weeks melted into the first month or two, I was still in survival mode, but a little less so. I was steady on my feet enough that I could see where I stood in the woods of my life and realize that, while I kind of knew where I was, I was also kind of a little bit lost, I think?
I was watching a lot of TV as I breastfed and held my newborn—and don’t get me wrong, I unabashedly love TV—but after a few weeks, I wanted to engage in story in a different way. A quieter way. And I wanted to feel a bit like myself again. My delivery was very intense (Bodie’s hands were up by his head and he needed vacuum assistance) and left me unable to walk more than the length of my small house for a number of weeks. I was used to walking miles a day with my dog, Cleo, and my husband, Michael, even up until the day I went into labor. Same with yoga. I had been doing 3-legged dogs until the week before Bodie was born. I could do neither of those things that made me feel so connected to myself. I was writing bits and pieces of poems while in the bath tub, but that didn’t feel exactly like part of my core identity either, as I was used to writing fiction and essays, things I did not at all feel like doing in those first months after giving birth. I craved reading. Holding a book felt like holding my own hand. I needed to connect with that part of myself again.
But there was a very straightforward problem. It was difficult for me to physically hold a book and turn pages while holding and/or feeding my baby, and I was holding and/or feeding my baby almost constantly. I also needed a hand free to drink water and feed myself, because—once again—I was hungry and dreaming of food ALL the time. So physical books were a challenge. For a time, I read e-books on my phone, but my eyes started to feel strained. It was also too easy to click over to social media and get in a weird mental space from time spent swirling around that strange space.
I hated supporting Amazon, but I wanted to buy a Kindle. It felt extravagant and indulgent, especially given the very large library of physical books I’ve collected. But I knew it would be a useful tool to reconnect with myself. I ordered one. I downloaded the Libby app so that I could check out e-books from my library and read them on my Kindle. I read while nursing my son. I read while he napped and after he went to bed at night. For the first time in years, I read voraciously, with a hunger to rival…well, my hunger.
When I opened my Kindle, it became a trap door that led me back to myself. I wasn’t writing as much, I couldn’t walk as far as I wanted, I was very, very tired, but all of that was okay because I had my baby, and now I had characters and plots to hang my thoughts on. I needed to have that quiet outlet where I could retreat and relish in my thoughts, especially because almost every other waking second was devoted to caring for my baby. Reading filled my cup and allowed me to have energy and patience, especially as my body healed.
I absolutely love my Kindle and the Libby app is a kind of earthly magic. If you know there is a simple fix to a problem, I encourage you to go for it. You are worth the extravagance.
Bodie is currently napping across my stomach, I have a cup of coffee beside me, and the windows are open to this cool and glorious morning. I feel pulled to read, and so I will close this letter. I know that I will not always feel like reading because these things come and go like communication skills between protagonists in a romantic comedy. But for now, we are on the same page, my reading life and I, and so I will go and delight.
Next week, I plan to give you a list of my favorite things I’ve read and watched recently. It will be an…interesting window into my interior life. Thank you for being here.
I love how reading can bring so much comfort and joy, especially during challenging times. It's like holding your own hand when you need it most. Keep on finding those moments of solace in books 📚✨. Enchanting writing 🌟.
I love how Kaia shared her journey of reconnecting with reading after becoming a mother. It's beautiful how books can be a source of comfort and escape during challenging times. Outstanding writing! 📚💕